I Now Know How Sad a Clock Can Make Me
Please forgive me, I told you I was going to write about you and now that I am getting around to doing it I find it isn’t for the original reason. I started to but so much was happening in my life I would get sidetracked, not to mention I also just enjoyed spending time with you and took a vacation from the written word in the online world to focus more on you in the physical world. But here it is finally, I’m sorry it took so long.
I was going to write about how when I got a text message and it wasn’t from you I would get mad at the person who sent it for wasting my time. If it wasn’t time for you it was time stolen. How I smiled when I saw something was from you, and you said it was mutual, and I smiled more. About how I was such a happier and nicer person, even you yourself said you noticed how much more I would smile since I started spending time with you. I was going to write about the adventures we had with people gossiping about us and how we didn’t care, how with you at my side nothing else mattered; And how you said you didn’t care about what others thought about us. How we would share a secret touch at work when no one else was around, just to show we still cared. About how on 2:38am Feb 15th, although I must admit I still like to think of it as Valentines day since neither of us slept, we shared our first kiss and could time it to such an exact moment. And how you liked the fact I said “Hopefully there are many more 2:38’s to come.” How I picked you up after work for lunch and we ended up spending the whole day together hand in hand, and how that day you looked at me sadly and said “I still didn’t get my kiss today” and I had no other choice but to lean in and kiss you. Or how I would sit in a room with no heat in the dead of winter for hours just to talk to you. How one of the first things I said to you to show interest was that I wanted to spend time with you under your electric blanket you raved so much about. I was going to write about how you said you couldn’t believe that I liked you and how I thought “NO! I cant believe that you like ME!” Or when we sent each other Valentines card pictures on our phones. How we both love cartoons and I felt free to be a little kid around you and be my goofy self. About the time you said “If you ever want to be my friend/boyfriend/hubby you have to find this funny.” And I did find it funny, and found you to be even more adorable than before. How we would sometimes share ChapStick or how you slipped on the ice the day after saying it is always funny to see someone slip on ice, and I agreed. But it is still the only time in my life that I was worried and not amused to see someone fall with such bravado. I was going to write about how I wouldn’t let you drive home from the bar because I wanted to make sure you were ok to drive first; After meeting you I didn’t want the universe to play a cruel trick on me and take you away so soon. About how you got me into using emoticons even though I always hated them, and how I gave you stupid nicknames involving panda bears and princesses. About how great I felt when I told you that you were my inspiration to write something new, and you talked about how nice it was to be someone’s inspiration. How we planned to go camping and fishing together, even though I don’t like fishing, it seemed like a good excuse to spend more time with you. How I was always looking for excuses to spend more time with you, even if it meant getting you medicine when you were sick. I wanted to write about how before we ever started talking I wrote a poem on your birthday by serendipity; And how you loved my writing style and memorized a lot of my poems. How if it was not for you I would still be sleeping on a bare tile floor after I moved, but I knew if I was going to be watching movies with you and cuddling I needed to do better, needed to be better. How you went with me to order a bed; And how on the day we ordered that bed I met your family, and your bird, and your cat, and how your cat took a strange liking to me. I wanted to write about how I would always tell you how I planned on keeping you, and you said good you planned on keeping me too. And how I loved the way you planned so far ahead with things we would be doing over the summer like road trips together…the places I dreamt of taking you. Or about how I would go out of my way to drive around town while on the phone with you because I was far too excited and giddy to stay stationary while talking to you. How both of us would get text messages or phone calls from our exes while together and share a knowing glance. About how adorable you were the night you met my friends and played board games even though you were dead tired; And having you on my arm there made me feel like they looked at me as though I accomplished something great to have found such a great person. About how the reason I could never sleep was because I was too excited about you and what you were bringing into my life. And mostly I wanted to write about the night you told me you loved hearing the sound of my voice and asked me if that was weird, and I said no because I loved hearing the sound of your voice as well. The way my stomach turned to butterflies instantly and my heart skipped far too many beats for me to ever mistake what I was feeling as anything less than special.
Now what I am forced into writing is all the things I hate. I hate that I am writing sad things again to ease my soul…that I was far too late writing something about you and now its about depression instead of happiness. I hate how I moved too fast; How I scared you away and lost you forever. Maybe it was the talk of the future, and how at ease you seemed with me, that tricked me into a false sense of security to say things I should have kept behind my tongue. I hate that I am now a better person with no one to share it with, especially the person who made me better. I hate how people still ask me if we are dating and I have to respond with a sad “No” when before it was a happy “No” because I was hoping I was getting close. I hate that just a fleeting thought of you can make me so sad it ruins what was turning out to be a great day. I hate how I wear this all on my sleeve, as if I had to even write any of this because all can see how steadfastly my heart rests out in the open breaking for all to see. I hate how much I miss getting a text from you at 11:11, and how sad a clock can now make me. I hate how I still wish it was you when my phone rings. How I long for you to be texting me telling me you miss me and need to see me, be in my arms and feel my lips against yours again. I hate that I know it will never happen, and I hate dwelling on those dreams of more 2:38’s. I hate that I wasn’t a better fit for you and that I let you down; And that deep down I know you are too good for me. I hate with a passion that I met you at work, because it seems now my only job there is to be missing you, and the only chores to be done by me are to be reminded of you. I hate how even now, with all the other stressful things going on in my life you seem to be the most important thought on my mind. I hate how the reason I cant sleep now is because nausea and heartache, knowing you no longer have feelings for me. I hate that all the things I liked are now things I hate because it only hurts to think about. And I hate to think about how I truly know I broke my own heart by not being a better man. I hate myself for losing you.
There are a few things I need you to know, and I know that it doesn’t matter but I want you to know them anyways. I want you to know that the pictures I have are still only mine, because I am still selfish about you. And that I never said a bad thing about you, there was nothing for me to say, even now. I want you to know I haven’t so much as kissed another girl since meeting you even up until the time of writing this. Not for lack of opportunity but lack of my hearts ability to allow it, to risk playing a dangerous game and losing you was out of the question. I want you to know I don’t regret not jumping at those opportunities because I know I gave you my all, so when I look back I will have no regrets. Even if my all wasn’t good enough at least I find a little comfort in knowing I tried my best.
Now at this late hour staring at my clock, as the faces keep changing and the hands reach out, not to grasp but merely to point, I am reminded of how much of a role clocks had with us. At 2:38am exactly we had our first kiss. We were constantly up late and concerned with the time. We worked at the same place and were always wondering what time the other was in at. We paid attention to the amount of time that passed while talking on the phone. And the thing that made me write this, we always made wishes at 11:11. Well I am in bed and you aren’t here, another 11:11 wish unanswered. It only came true a few times when I was laying next to you and had you in my arms, so I stopped wishing on those fucking clocks. Want to know a secret? It was always more time with you that I wished for, the irony of wishing for time on time is not lost on me. And I mostly hate how I know one day I will look back on this and feel the same way I feel about the other things I wrote about other girls. But I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to keep you, and it is hard to imagine in this moment that I will look back on this and feel nothing. Because you weren’t nothing. You were something, you were everything, you were everything beautiful balled into one living person in my eyes. And I think that is why I lost you, I scared you away with all the designs I had on you. I will always have this scar on my wrist as a reminder of you from when I slipped and fell pushing my car out of snow so that we could have our first dinner together, because there was no way I was going to miss seeing you, not for anything. So if you are ever to read this please forgive me for my feelings and sharing them for all to see, and let me work through this pain in my own way. I hold nothing against you and know it was my fault. So please don’t hold it against me for being so sad, for caring too much, if anything I hope it is flattering. So for now, when I see you know that I am only putting on a brave face, and wearing a mask we both proclaimed to hate, because I truly am sad and wish it had worked between us. Forgive how I can no longer look you in the eyes, it is not for any other reason than I don’t want you to see how weak I truly can be when it comes to you. And know if I ever achieve anything great with this life it was only because I was trying to get your attention again. And although I know you will think this whole thing insane and will write me off as being crazy, I hope you can at least appreciate the fact it was you who I was crazy over. “Tick Tock Tick Tock,“ now I know why Hook is afraid of an old dead clock. </3